“Look! It’s a Frankie Valli tribute group!”

Sure enough. Striding into a cramped performance area normally inhabited by goateed men and hyphenated women – was a Frankie Valli & the Four Seasons tribute group.

“Frankie” wore a jet-black suit and flashed a thousand-watt smile, his teeth resembling thirty-two perfectly-spaced pieces of Dentyne Ice Arctic Chill gum. Jerry — no slouch when it comes to details — immediately recognized that only two of the Four Seasons were actually represented in Faux Frankie Valli’s background vocal group – and that they were indisputably female. If Jerry had to associate a specific season with each of the background singers, it would be Summer and More Summer; they were that hot.

Ersatz Frankie & the Two Summers began to sing:

Jerry, Jerry baby.
Jerry, Jerry baby.
Je-e-e-e-e-e-rry baby
Je-e-rry don’t you go out tonight.
Je-e-e-e-e-e-rry baby
Je-e-rry, don’t dare go out tonight.

Jerry was dumbfounded. He scanned the enraptured crowd and wondered if they were hearing the same lyrics. The Barista (and let’s face it, at this point this tertiary character is receiving an unwarranted amount of attention) was swaying to the music. Everyone else’s attention was focused on the performance; everyone except scruff dude, whose feline focal units were trained menacingly at Jerry.

(No, don’t you go out) to the college M.
(Don’t go out) when the bright moon shines.
(Don’t go out) the world won’t end right away.
But it’ll start a rapid decli-ine.

Je-e-e-e-e-e-rry baby
Je-e-rry don’t you go out tonight.
(Don’t go, go out tonight)
(Don’t go, go out tonight)
You-oo-ooh better ask ole Gerald.
To keep your ass locked out of sight.

What was going on here? It was as confusing as the notion that John Kennedy’s 1963 assassination took place in the “late 50’s.” Scruff dude’s puss-like peepers were still boring into Jerry as Phony Frankie Valli and Summer² continued:

(No, don’t you go out) past Zig’s on Bridger Drive.
(Don’t go out) past the Fish Technology sign.
(Don’t go out) then make a hard left turn.
What you see will make you lose your mind.

Je-e-e-e-e-e-rry baby
Je-e-rry don’t you go out tonight.
(Don’t go, go out tonight)
(Don’t go, go out tonight)

The coffee shop patrons clapped, whistled and hooted for more. As Mock Frankie launched into “Big Jerry’s Don’t Cry,” scruff dude leaned forward and finally spoke….